IT IS INSANE HOW BAD I HAVE THE FEAR NOW

(Title from the great Overcompensating, which is headquartered in the same building where I used to write about prisons.)

A quick update because I keep having a lot of ideas for Big Huge Posts that I'm not sure I am actually going to go through with writing, mostly because I'm concerned that I can't be productive or entertaining while writing them (two sample topics: WHY IS THIS GREAT THEATER SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE, DON'T YOU WANT POOR PEOPLE TO GET TO SEE THE SHIT YOU DO and WHY IS _______ SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE TO JOIN WHEN I CAN'T MAKE ANY MONEY WRITING PLAYS, GODFUCKIT). Maybe I'll combine them later, because the question of why it's often so economically difficult to make and see art is really important to me, and it's one that's not going to subside anytime soon.

I recently turned a corner about my career, I guess, in that I got really frustrated about not spending enough of my time doing theatre stuff and not putting my efforts toward my goals. I'm going to turn 24 in August and I'm not where I hoped I'd be, even though I've accomplished some things that were great surprises and successes. (Element, getting my work performed in New York and DC, etc.) I moved to Chicago to pursue theatre and I need to make sure not only that I'm working hard on my writing but also that I take personal risks with it -- that I show it to people, that I spend my money joining more professional organizations and taking classes where I can meet people, that I go to bed later and wake up earlier if that's how I'm going to have time to do what I need to do. I've been working some menial jobs and focusing on surviving, and that's not what gets the shit done. It sounds kind of obvious when I put it down like this, but the machine needs to be running better. More must be fed to it. Regardless of THE FEAR.